"Have it Your Way"

I slapped down my penis onto the table while a crowd formed around me.

"Okay," I shouted. My face was also painted green for no reason. "First person to kiss this gets $100.00."

A woman squeezed her way through the crowd shouting. I liked this.

"Sir, you can't do this here." she said.

"Oh? And where exactly is here," I purred. In college, they called me the cat because I purred a lot and also ate so much vagina. One vagina I saw looked like a butterfly.

"Here is the McDonald's you're currently standing in," she replied.

Oh shit. I kept blacking out on weekends and then would end up in a fast-food chain or a Pep Boys. I can't believe I let it happen again. She started to walk away but then turned around.

"But maybe you can finish your magic trick over at my place" she said while winking.

"And where exactly is your place?"

"The Bank of America ATM vestibule." When she said vestibule, my penis turned green because I was rubbing it with my hand that I had just touched my face with.

"See you there in five minutes," she said. And then she got fired because she wasn't supposed to leave so early.

****

Back in the 'bule, she was crying.

"That job was everything to me," she said

"Maybe if I brush your teeth with my dick you'll feel better," I replied and then threw my shoe at her. Why? I don't know, just testing things out.

She didn't flinch. She lunged at me and took off my shirt and then she put it on.

"I'm going to need this," she said "For the winter. It's going to be a long one."

She looked out the window and started to sob. I pushed my penis into the back of her head. One of the bank tellers was dialing a phone. She pushed back against me and said "No, I just dyed my hair," and I said "Good. Now this one is free."

Suddenly, a little baby walked through the door holding a briefcase.

"Oh Little Richard," she said "How was your day?"

"I got fired, that's how it was."

"No! No! No!" she sobbed "WHY?!"

"I can barely walk--what do you think?" He paused, took off his hat, started playing with a Speak and Spell. He jabbed his little nub-fingers at me "Who is this guy?"

"That depends," I said. "Maybe I'm your dad."

"Are you?" he asked, stroking his fake mustache.

"No. You are dumb."

"Why are you here?"

"I was trying to have sex with your mother," I replied

"I don't give a fuck," Little Richard said and went back to his toys.

I looked at his broken mother, staring out the window. I looked at the bank teller who was crying. I looked out the door. A horse was in the street. The horse threw up. I walked outside and kissed it.

I really did.

***